Getting centered

So I know I haven't posted since, I don't know, Christmas-something. And I also know that I should be studying for my 7:30 a.m. exam tomorrow...but I feel like I should do this now because I have finally realized something. Not that I have only come up with one thing to write about since I stopped writing. Quite the opposite, really. I suppose I stopped writing because I felt like no one reads this. But then I realized I am not writing this stuff to be recognized or praised by people but instead to wrestle with my thoughts and hope that by writing them out I will be able to see things more clearly.

Enough of my rambling...

I have rediscovered my deep respect and love for the music of mewithoutYou *(If you have not heard of them, contact me right away! I will hook you up because they will enrich your lives and melt your faces)* And through listening to the lyrics, I realized the major theme in (at least two of) their albums is that of forgiveness. For my Christian walk I always knew that forgiveness is a major component of Christianity but I had always felt like faith was at its center. A belief and trust in God was the center of it. Of my whole existence. But I finally realize that while that is a huge part- it is NOT the center. And honestly, praise God that it isn't! Because at least for me belief, faith, and trust is something I struggle with. Crazy, right? I feel like doubt creeps into my life daily and fully trusting God and having complete faith in my heavenly father is oftentimes hard to do. I want to believe in something tangible. Something I can understand. Something I can define and limit. But the existence of a wonderful, mysterious, and active moving God transcends my understanding. I will never understand his thoughts or his ways. And while I love that about God, it also makes it difficult sometimes to trust such a mysterious and awe-inspiring being. Jesus even talks about if we had just the faith the size of a mustard seed we would be able move mountains. This is just a hunch...but I'm guessing since mountains aren't moving everywhere all the time that I am not the only one who struggles with faith.

And so I finally understand that the center of our Christian faith is forgiveness. My whole relationship with God depends on his grace. It is because he forgives us for all the times we screw up and our foolishness that we have hope. Hope to be able to have a place in his kingdom. Hope to have the life that his grace gives us instead of the death our nature and the world offer us. And through God's grace we may put to death our sinful nature and instead truly live, free.

However, what is interesting about forgiveness is that God's forgiveness is so often tied to us being able to forgive others and ourselves.
"Find a friend and stay close with a melting heart
tell them everything you are most ashamed of-
our parents made so many mistakes,
but may we forgive them and forgive ourselves"
-"the sun and the moon," mewithoutYou

We are called to be like Christ and since at the center of Christ's heart was forgiveness then our hearts should be centered on forgiving others as well. And , for me, it is oftentimes hardest to forgive ourselves for what we have done. I spend so much time dwelling on my past failures it discourages me and tears me apart. God has forgiven me long before I even start to let it go so that I can focus on what is at hand.
Romans 4:7-8
7 “Oh, what joy for those
whose disobedience is forgiven,
whose sins are put out of sight.
8 Yes, what joy for those
whose record the Lord has cleared of sin.”