10 inches. more like 10 miles!

So I'm sorry for not writing in awhile. I don't even know if people really follow this blog but if you do- I'm sorry for not writing.

Anyway- I went to a retreat last weekend which was great and refreshing to get away from the university and dorm for a little bit. I went to this retreat with really only one goal. and that was to meet people and develop relationships. But God showed me that my plans are not my own but are his plans. Don't get me wrong, I got to know the girls in my small group during the drive up but I still couldn't shake my awkwardness. The speaker was really good and his first lesson was taken out Ephesians 1:3-8 (NLT version) and he talked about the ten truths God has for us. And the ones that spoke to me the most was that he chose us to be holy and without fault in his eyes, and that he finds pleasure in us. Most of my life (even now sometimes) I felt that I was always a disappointment to God. For instance, I wouldn't pray some days because I felt ashamed. Like in order to talk to God you had to have things together or you were just wasting his time and that he would be disappointed. But that is not true. He wants to hear fro you and loves you faults and all.
Also, the idea that God takes pleasure in my life is a strange concept. One of the gils in the group mentioned a passage from Psalms that basically says God delites in every aspect in our lives. I guess I thought of God in the way that I thought of my parents. You know, at dinner time, when they ask you how was your day. And I would only tell my parents if it was something seemingly important. even if there were many small things that made my day or broke it there was no point in telling them because they seemed stupid to care about and so I don't think they would care. But God is not like that. So it is still a strange concept to wrap my mind around.

The second lesson the speaker taught was the one that hit me the hardest. He taught on the characteristics of a revolutionary. He challanged us to answer two questions: what radical change would you like to see in your life? and what radical change would you like to see in the world? For the first question, the answer came easy to me but it wasn't the answer I expected. I wanted to no longer live inside my head. There are two parts to that answer. One is like the Death Cab song where he sings "you say that I live like a hermit in my own head." I feel like I do that. I'm so afraid to let anyone in and I don't know why. Instead of having conversations with people about things I already go over all their possible answers and then deem it not worth going through the trouble because they wouldn't understand or it just wasn't that important. I just want to finally let go and be real with people. I don't know if I'm just weird or if there are others who do this but I hope I'm not alone on this. I'm only giving a slight example of how I live in my own head but hopefully you understand what I mean by it. I'm not schitzophrenic, at least I hope not anyway.

The second thing I mean by no longer living in my head was to finally close the 10 inch gap between my head and my heart. In my head I beleive God loves me, that God cares for me, that I beleive God is real and moves in our lives. But in my heart, I have trouble accepting that and I don't know why. Maybe because I have always had trouble accepting love because I feel like I will never do enough to deserve it. That love is for other people. more deserving people. That , I'm strong enough to go on without it. Give it to someone who needs it. I know this probably sounds rediculous, but it's still what I think. To quote bathroom graphetti: Anything less than love is nothing. and nothing is not enough" I'm slowly learning that. Life is hollow without love so I need to start accepting it because I actually do deserve it just like everyone else in this world and I am not strong but am actually weak and foolish to try and get along without love.

The change that I wanted to see in the world is what Kant's ethical principle was. that people would no longer treat each other as a means but instead as an end. Chew on that. maybe I will talk more about that later because I wrote so much already.

Sitting in a corner with nothing but a grudge

You know that weird dirty kid in your first grade class. Every class has one. That awkward kid that can't seem to do anything right and at recess he raises an earthworm farm that he says he will train for the circus. And it seems like neither his classmates nor his teacher are particularly fond of him or "get him."

I feel like that kid.

Sometimes I feel completely estranged from other people. Sometimes I wonder If I am the only one who finds it extremely hard to find people who, well, like/accept me.
H2O derives their Thursday night group (2/42) from this verse and it has had me thinking. Part of the verse:

"ACTS 2:44 All the believers were together and had everything in common."

Am I missing something? they had everything in common! I can't even imagine an Amish family that has everything in common let alone me with a church group (or any group). Yesterday as I was sitting during Sunday service alone, I was thinking about how it seems like no matter where I go I seem to go alone and I was worried that I may never be able to find real friends in life. And as I was sitting there feeling sorry for myself, the thought finally struck me. Do I even make an effort to reach out to people? Can I even trust myself to find authentic relationships by myself?Like a rhino in a china store, I feel awkward and out of place.

Then the preacher was talking about how we need to be people like Jesus and reach out to the forgotten. Do you ever feel forgotten? I do. After all my sulking, I rose to hurry out of church to go home and continue feeling sorry for myself but as soon as I got up I was immediately swarmed by church people ( and by swarmed, I mean 4 or 5 people.) And I thought "great. more rushed small talk and having them pretend they are interested in my major." But the truth is it made me feel less "forgotten" and they were actually quite conversational.

Anyway, My point is that even though I might have not found the real relationships I am looking for, yet, maybe its good to feel awkward and uncomfotable. I am not looking for comfort or habit. So I am trying a new thing. its called honesty. no hiding of my personality. no concealing of all my emotions. I am throwing my heart out and hopeing that eventually the right people will catch it. This is new for me. For too long, I have only looked for companionship instead of friendship and frankly I'm tired of that. So I'm trying this "honesty" thing and hoping it works out because I am tired of being "that weird kid" This maybe uncomfortable but I think if we get too comfortable in life, we're not doing something right. Don't get me wrong, I'm not just sitting in a corner with my arms crossed scowling and waiting for someone to come up and say "Hi. Let's be freinds." I am just trying to find where I belong. At whatever cost, I will find where it is I belong.

Information ( or lack there of)

I decided to stop journaling and and start putting my thoughts on the internet for all (people with internet and time on their hands) to read. I am not going to pretend I have answers or even blog for sympathy. I'm just a confused and pathetic human being and am tired of thinking that I am the only one.

The name of my blog, Life: abridged, means simply what it says: that my life at this moment is incomplete, condensed,deprived, and cut offed. As my favorite author, Chuck Palahniuk, wrote in Fight Club :" You have to realize that someday you will die. Until you know that, you are useless." I am not writing these things to evoke your sympathy, as a cry for help, or even because I am a pessimist. I'm writing this because I realize that my life is too short to not try and wrestle with life's questions, to accept mediocrity, and determine my destiny as just a career choice or relational choice. I just wanted to clear these misconceptions and tell you that my only purpose for this blog (if there is one) is to document my struggle to find passion and purpose in a world that constantly tries to define who I am.


Currently, I am rejecting what I thought my life was about up until now. It has almost been a month since I started at Ohio State and I am learning so much. Something I am not used to being is a student. I mean , technically, I have been a student for most of my life -and yes- I have learned things in school don't get me wrong. However, what I have learned in life has mostly been accidental, forced, or out of obligation. What I have learned in college is almost an Orwellian "unlearning." For instance, the other day when I was trying to explain to Meghan why I have gotten "off track" in my faith for reasons ,up until then, I thought were clever,understandable, sensible, and even irrefutable. ( In the back of my mind, I must admit, I was thinking "well, take that. Bet the bible can't solve that.") But as I was explaining this to her, I realized myself that I sound like a selfish and foolish child.

I grew up always feeling that to be in the "student role" was to be in the inferior role and that in order to "get it" you couldn't be still learning or questioning because to still be learning was to show your vulnerability. But now, I feel like it is ok to be learning, to be questioning, to not be completely comfortable with things. In fact, I am happy to be doing so because I feel like the Pressure is off and I don't need to know all the answers and that is ok with me.