So I'm sorry for not writing in awhile. I don't even know if people really follow this blog but if you do- I'm sorry for not writing.
Anyway- I went to a retreat last weekend which was great and refreshing to get away from the university and dorm for a little bit. I went to this retreat with really only one goal. and that was to meet people and develop relationships. But God showed me that my plans are not my own but are his plans. Don't get me wrong, I got to know the girls in my small group during the drive up but I still couldn't shake my awkwardness. The speaker was really good and his first lesson was taken out Ephesians 1:3-8 (NLT version) and he talked about the ten truths God has for us. And the ones that spoke to me the most was that he chose us to be holy and without fault in his eyes, and that he finds pleasure in us. Most of my life (even now sometimes) I felt that I was always a disappointment to God. For instance, I wouldn't pray some days because I felt ashamed. Like in order to talk to God you had to have things together or you were just wasting his time and that he would be disappointed. But that is not true. He wants to hear fro you and loves you faults and all.
Also, the idea that God takes pleasure in my life is a strange concept. One of the gils in the group mentioned a passage from Psalms that basically says God delites in every aspect in our lives. I guess I thought of God in the way that I thought of my parents. You know, at dinner time, when they ask you how was your day. And I would only tell my parents if it was something seemingly important. even if there were many small things that made my day or broke it there was no point in telling them because they seemed stupid to care about and so I don't think they would care. But God is not like that. So it is still a strange concept to wrap my mind around.
The second lesson the speaker taught was the one that hit me the hardest. He taught on the characteristics of a revolutionary. He challanged us to answer two questions: what radical change would you like to see in your life? and what radical change would you like to see in the world? For the first question, the answer came easy to me but it wasn't the answer I expected. I wanted to no longer live inside my head. There are two parts to that answer. One is like the Death Cab song where he sings "you say that I live like a hermit in my own head." I feel like I do that. I'm so afraid to let anyone in and I don't know why. Instead of having conversations with people about things I already go over all their possible answers and then deem it not worth going through the trouble because they wouldn't understand or it just wasn't that important. I just want to finally let go and be real with people. I don't know if I'm just weird or if there are others who do this but I hope I'm not alone on this. I'm only giving a slight example of how I live in my own head but hopefully you understand what I mean by it. I'm not schitzophrenic, at least I hope not anyway.
The second thing I mean by no longer living in my head was to finally close the 10 inch gap between my head and my heart. In my head I beleive God loves me, that God cares for me, that I beleive God is real and moves in our lives. But in my heart, I have trouble accepting that and I don't know why. Maybe because I have always had trouble accepting love because I feel like I will never do enough to deserve it. That love is for other people. more deserving people. That , I'm strong enough to go on without it. Give it to someone who needs it. I know this probably sounds rediculous, but it's still what I think. To quote bathroom graphetti: Anything less than love is nothing. and nothing is not enough" I'm slowly learning that. Life is hollow without love so I need to start accepting it because I actually do deserve it just like everyone else in this world and I am not strong but am actually weak and foolish to try and get along without love.
The change that I wanted to see in the world is what Kant's ethical principle was. that people would no longer treat each other as a means but instead as an end. Chew on that. maybe I will talk more about that later because I wrote so much already.
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2 comments:
I think that you and I are messed up in a lot of ways in how we struggle to see God how he truly is because of how we grew up. I struggle with a lot of the same stuff you were talking about :X its hard to feel close to God when our idea of close is sitting next to each other at the dinner table every once and a while. God wants to be so much closer to us than that.
Yeah, I struggle immensely when it come to have a personal relationship with Him. To me, at least, God was someone I turned to as a last resort. Not because I didn't trust him or anything but more because I did not want to bother him or waste his time. I need to digest that I'm not a waste a time or bothersome. Its nice having someone who understand where I am coming from because I often feel like these are weird or even blasphemous thoughts.
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