"Stop trying to control everything and just let go!"

I hope that my readers do not expect me to be punctual about posting because they will be sorely disappointed. That being said, I am sorry for not posting in awhile but I have been so busy.

I have been thinking a lot about Fight Club recently and after I read my one of my brother's post I started to write him a comment that really was turning out to be a post in itself so the light bulb in my head went on and I realized that is what my next entry should be about.

My favorite scene in the movie Fight Club has consistently been when Tyler Durden and "Jack" are in the car and Tyler is telling "Jack" about hitting bottom and being able to finally let go at which "Jack" lets go of the steering wheel because he needs "to stop trying to control everything and just let go." After he lets go of the steering wheel the car swerves off the road and they crash at which Tyler yells "we just had a near-life experience."


This is why Chuck Palahniuk is my favorite author in a mater of a few pages he can sum up the basic human struggle how we try to control things, that we can't seem to "hit bottom," and the reality that until we die we can not live. Now I am not going to pretend that the book Fight Club is the guide to life or a very religious or spiritual book ; however, what Chuck Palahniuks books are about is humanity at its rawest, grittiest form that show through pain through death beauty and humanity can be created is ,perhaps, the only way that it can be.

I have been reading through the gospel John with a few people and one of the most reoccuring themes that I would read from what Jesus was teaching was the theme of through death comes true life. A few of the verses that really stuck out to me about this subject were (in NLT):

John 12 : 25 " those who love their life in this world will lose it. those who care nothing for their life in this world will keep it for eternity."

John 10 :17 "I sacrifice my life so that I may take it back again"

John 5:24 "I tell you the truth, those who listen to my message and believe in God who sent me have eternal life. They will never be condemned for their sins, but they have already passed from death into life."

Now it's easy to just say this, to just say" yeah,yeah Stephanie we must be dead to our old selves and to our sins and God gives us life in exchange." But I think too often we just pass over this message and miss just how radically awesome these statements are. When I watch/read fight club I think "man, this stuff is deep and radical." but what I have to remember is that this is the type of faith my Father calls me to have. Now, I don't think he wants us to neccessarily go out and blow up buildings and do "human sacrifices." But maybe the awesome and revolutionary stuff in Fight Club is not to far from what we are being called to do.

I have been reading over Fight Club again and one of components in the book that I don't believe is justly explained in the movie is that of the concept of "hitting bottom." they kind of skim over it in the movie but in the book is more of a focus. The whole story focuses around the characters struggle with himself (internally and quite literaly.) The character is really fighting himself throughout the story. He fights to discover who he is instead of what this world has defined him to be and he needs to fight to take back his identity from the world. He fights to "hit bottom" to cast off the things of this world that keeps him from living.

As Tyler says, "you need to realize that someday you will die until you realize this, you are useless." The character also fight to practice self-destruction because self-improvement is a myth. To try and improve the self more makes you cling to death. We must destroy ourselves so that we can instead cling to what really maters in life and after you "hit bottom" you will soon discover that focusing only on your desires and fulfilling what you think you desire will not give you life. So let's die so that we may truly live because death to the self will finally free us so that we may truly live.

I can do nothing on my own

I think that everyone is truly hollow and empty inside- at first. I guess a better way to describe us is as vacuums. We are an empty but because we are empty, we seek to quickly fill that empty space. I work as a cashier/stocker for a convenience store and the first thing they taught me was to pull all the items to the front and spread them out so it looks like it is fully stocked.

Isn't that what we all try to do? Create the illusion of being full. Or we try to fill our emptiness with whatever is readily available, or what gives us the most satisfaction at the time. Money, self-loathe, relationships, sex, alcohol, the next boyfriend, the next friend, the next party, even things that our culture tries to tell us will fill us like education, marriage, or family. The problem with trying to fill that emptiness with these things is that they will eventually let you down and reveal that emptiness that still consumes us.

( And to those who are skeptical about relationships with friends, family, or significant others not being substantially filling: "you know the saying about always hurting the one you love? well, it goes both ways."- fight club. it's true, think about it.)

I'm finally realizing this. Only I had tried to fill myself with self-loathing and a false image of a God that didn't really care and was impersonal. I am now realizing what David meant when he wrote in Psalms that He delites in every aspect of our lives. I am now learning what Paul actually meant when he wrote "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." To me this doesn't just mean that we can accomplish anything through God but also that without him we are nothing. Without Christ, the doors all seem closed and road seems longer. You feel like if you could just keep your head above water than you could do it. You could become successful on your own. But guess what!? You can't tread water forever, you will eventually drown from tiring yourself in your efforts. Luckily, God raises you up. As Christ says those who listen to his message and believe are raised from the dead. "but they have already passed from death into life.(john 5:24)"

When I was reading tonight I came across this verse (in the new living translation) :

John 5:30 "I can do nothing on my own"

Mind you, this is Jesus Christ talking. If Christ says that he can do nothing on his own than how can we expect to do anything!

An end to a means?

So I tried something new today because I felt like God was leading me to do so. I shared where I was really at spiritually with my small group. Normally, I give vague answers when they asked. I told them about how I struggle with depression and that I don't really know where I'm at spiritually. This was a HUGE step for me because , frankly, I'm ashamed to let people know this about me. And right now, I feel better because I shared this with them (and those who are reading this.) Maybe this means that I am starting (baby steps) to actually let people in more and not "live inside my mind." Frankly, I find this exciting. Not going to lie, I actually danced today in gladness.

I talked with one of my professors today and she asked me what did I want to do with my political science degree. And I told her about how I was torn between political science and the culinary arts. And to my surprised she exclaimed "Me too!" She told me that she was happy to see me at Ohio State studying politics and that I should never lose my love for cooking because its good to have wide interests and that I that they can feed off of each other. I think this was the answer I was looking for and she had no idea how much she helped me out. So now I want to continue politics. I'm thinking about going into teaching and research. Because there is so much more potential for me there. I was even thinking about "what if I taught abroad or even in Korea or Japan?" I can see more opportunity and even happiness for me there. (and ,of course, I would love to be the second person in our family to earn a phd )

Jon Shah (our preacher) said something that really stuck with me. He said that feeling compassion is not enough. Merely feeling is easy and it so easy to just be a bystander. That we need to act. Too often do I feel compassion but not act on it because I feel like I have my own problems to deal with and that it's simply inconvenient. At small group tonight, Meghan challenged us to show radical love to someone in our life that we feel God has placed in our lives for us to do so. At first, I thought of someone but when I got home I realized God has placed someone in my life that I feel needs me right now. It was the last person I expected but it soon came clear that this is the person. Jon Shah also said something Sunday that has got me thinking. He quoted this guy from campus crusade : "Evey time I find my self alone with someone, I beleive it to be a God ordained encounter." So it got me thinking, am I missing things? I think I am. I God wants everyday for me to be radical and revolutionary but I am missing the point of life almost everyday. Like I said the other day when I quoted Emmanuel Kant, "we must treat everyone as an end instead of a means." There are no means to an end; there are only life changing decisions being made everyday. Let's try not to overlook them.

lost

The problem with being an American is you have nothing but opportunity laid out before you. Am I the only one who finds this intimidating. I wish I never had taken post secondary classes because I'm technically a sophomore and am well on my way to pursue an education, career, and life choice in political science. I love political science and am discovering I have a passion for political theory in international relations. But I am also discovering more and more that I love food, I love cooking, I love going to restaurants. I am torn between two passions and time is clearly running out for me to decide. I want someone to tell me do this. It's the better choice. But I am responsible for that choice and it scares the shit out of me. What should I do? I have no idea.